A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one.

He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig.

"How about that one?" "OK, replies the farmer."

The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This one weighs 74 pounds."

"That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell a pig's weight by using that method?"

"Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our family for generations."

To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.

"My son can do it too," boasts the farmer. And sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds." The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.

"My wife can do it too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."

The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mom can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy weighing the mailman."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.

Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?

Oh crap!' the blonde says.

I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.

I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.

A tough-looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stop.


The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?""I'm going to commit suicide," she says.


While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had!


That's a real talent you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

An Englishman, an American and an Aussie are all having a pee at the urinal. The American finishes goes to the tap, washes his hands with lots of soap, gets lots of paper and dries his hands. He says "in America the first thing we learn is cleanliness and hygiene." The Englishman finishes, uses a little bit of soap and one piece of towel. He says " in England the first thing we learn is cleanliness and hygiene but also not wasting things and looking after the environment." The Aussie puts his old fella away and walk straight out the door. He says "the first thing we learn in Australia is not to pee on our hands."

Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you area mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class ofcrustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters camefrom far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing,the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly,painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and allcould see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS...Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.There was a deadly hush................

For quite a while...........................





Finally, the crab spoke.......







"F*ck, I'm pissed."