Chilli Cook Off Options

[poly]

though I would revisit this old story


first read this email 12 or 13 years ago and was in tears of laughter. Someone just emailed me a shortened version and it still was funny, but I had to find the original.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope
> for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this
> slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
> the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
> Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off
> about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of
> a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an
> inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
> free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
>
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -faced
> from all of the beer.
>
>
> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
> beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
> woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
> eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
> needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
> her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
> bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
> asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>
> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian vari ety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggress! ive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I on myself when I farted and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
> wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
>
> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
> is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
> to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
> killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
> I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
> passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to really hot chili?
>
> Judge # 3 - No Report

Paul